Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters, they belong to Sunrise and Toei. I also don't own the concept of "Will & Grace", that belongs to NBC.
Dedication: To Becker Wein and WestEd Costa. They have proven to me that a pro-yaoi and a no-yaoi can co-exist peacefully (for now).
Author's Notes: I thought that I would do a parody of "Will & Grace" as a way to backlash against the rabid pro-yaois versus the rabid no-yaois. Oh yeah, no-yaoi is for people who prefer the straight couples to yaoi/yuri; I'm not gonna say anit-yaoi, they are intolerant bastards! *ahem* I'm in nice mode now. And hey, gotta warn you, no 1x2, 1xR, 2xH, 4x3, and any other kind of yaoi/straight couple you can think of. If you can't please anyone, piss them off instead! Okay, I'll be good.
Wing & Grace (Pilot Episode)
Relena was alone in her apartment. Well, it wasn't really an apartment.
It was actually the largest room in the Peacecraft mansion, back in the Sank Kingdom. She decided to put the spacious house to use. It wasn't like she needed to use all the rooms.
So she turned the rest of the building into an apartment and opened it up to all the unfortunate and homeless people.
Relena sighed proudly that she was able to help the world, even if it was a little token of good-will.
She fingered the taped together note from over two years ago. The note read:
I can't love you, but I can protect you.
P.S. I'm just searching for my true self right now.
P.S.S. Considering my military background, I'm
sure you'd know what I'm talking about. If not,
here's a hint: The Queen Mary."
The very note that outed Heero to her.
As she passed the closed French doors that lead to the balcony, a bullet whizzed past her head and embedded itself in the hardwood floor in front of her.
"Hmm... Assassination season just started?" Relena mused aloud to herself.
She tapped her foot impatiently and looked at the clock in the little kitchenette only a few meters away from her.
"Hm. He should be done by now."
As if on time, two figures crashed through the balcony doors and were wrestling on the floor for control of a sniper rifle.
One was clad in all black and the other had black spandex shorts with a green tank top.
The Peacecraft princess turned on her heel and picked up a vase. She strode back to where the two males were fighting.
Raising the piece of porcelain above her head, she brought it crashing down on the black figure.
He fell down, knocked out cold.
Heero got up and dusted himself off of the shards of glass and wooden shrapnel. He gave her a curt nod.
"Hn. Thank you."
"You're quite welcome."
"I guess I'll be off."
"I wish you would stay."
"Yeah, well, I can't. Sorry about the doors though."
"Hey, being a politician isn't that bad. The pay is good."
Heero cracked a small smile and Relena's eyes brightened.
"You smiled! You smiled!"
"You're nowhere near Duo's sense of humour. Good thing." Heero glanced at the clock. "I shouldn't be keeping you up. Good night."
With one more nod, he jumped out the opening and into the night.
Relena was refreshed and ready for her next political meeting.
And she was frantically scurrying around the apartment, fixing her freshly pressed pink pantsuit.
"Ugh. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have let Pagan go into early retirement."
She fiddled around with the giant ruffle in the front of the shirt.
Grabbing a day-old donut on her kitchen table along with her brief case, she made a bee-line for the door.
Quickly slamming it, she found herself out in the hallway.
With Dorothy Catalonia.
"Hello Miss Relena!"
"Cut the crap, Dorothy."
The two girls began to walk down the hall towards the elevator at the end.
Dorothy sighed. "I see you haven't had your tea yet."
The doors opened for them, and they stepped in.
"Ah. Coffee. Shall we get to the meeting?"
"In your over extravagant golden limo?"
A slight ding alerted them that they had reached their floor. Leaving the lift, they made their way outside where a giant golden truck awaited for them.
"Nope. We're taking the big rig."
"That's right. Show those old geezers who's boss."
Dorothy cackled. "What a wonderful sense of humour, Miss Relena! Now, we mustn't be late."
Relena glared at the split eyebrow girl. "Shed the ass-kissing persona."
Dorothy bowed her head and sighed. "Yeah, yeah," she said roughly. "We're already late. Get in the car."
Relena climbed into the passenger side and waited for Dorothy to get behind the steering wheel. "Some secretary you are. There are assistants in that auditorium who have more respect for their bosses than you have for me."
"It's not respect, it's fatigue. That's because they're actually sleeping with their bosses and they're too tired to make any smart-ass remarks against them. Now, shut up, and hold on."
Dorothy released the brakes and revved up the engine.
Too late. The driver had stomped on the gas pedal.
Relena had stepped out of the stuffy auditorium, happy that the day's agenda had been completed.
"Thank God that meeting is over. I think my ears were going to bleed," she muttered to herself. "Dorothy, I think I'm ready to go home now."
She looked around the crowded hall. No sign yet of her snappish secretary.
She finally saw her coming towards her with the ever cynical smirk plastered on her face.
"You're on your own, Miss Relena. I've just caught up with an old friend and potential business partner."
"I'll have to discuss some arrangements with him over drinks."
"Can't hear you Miss Relena! The bar's calling me!"
Relena watched Dorothy retreat into the crowd and looked around. "There's no bar here." Pause. "And since when did she have a business while working for me?"
Admitting defeat, Relena walked out of the grand building and started to make her way downtown when some cheerful shouting caught her attention.
"'Death of Drags'! Two man show!"
She looked around for the source of the voice. She tried to follow it.
"Oh! Come on! I'll give you all a free sample. It's my award-winning scene."
"It's my award winning scene too!"
Relena was getting closer, since the catcalls and hooting were getting louder. She found the ruckus was coming from a group of young male politicians gathered around something. She decided to find out what was going on.
"Excuse me! Vice Foreign Minister here! Hey! Watch your hands mister!"
Finally making her way to the centre of attention, she was surprised to find a girl with a long chestnut braid dressed like an extravagant hooker. Her partner was a man wearing a fedora, slacks, and a white button up shirt.
The girl looked up into Relena's face. A wide grin spread over her face.
"Relena! What are you doing here?" The girl was a guy!
"Duo? I should be asking what the heck you're doing here!"
Relena, happy to see an old friend, ran up and hugged him.
The leers and comments got louder.
The young man started to push the crowd of men away. "Okay boys, back off! Show's over!" The guy sounded like a girl... A very familiar girl.
"Hilde! Look who we have here!" called Duo.
The boy- er, woman, joined the two. Tipping the brim of her hat so that it perched high on her head, Hilde revealed her bangs and eyes from underneath.
"Hi Relena!" she said with her usual spunk.
"Hilde? Duo? Answer my question. What are you two doing here? Aren't you supposed to be living together and running a scrap metal business by now?"
Hilde nodded. "We're still living together."
"But you forgot to mention that we had enough money to follow my dream," Duo said with sparkly eyes.
"And what dream would that be?" Relena asked.
"To star in my very own drag show!"
"With my amazing partner (and best friend), Hilde!"
Relena stared at the two. She blinked once. Then twice. "I thought you two were... were..."
"Dating?" Hilde completed the sentence for her. "Hell no! Didn't you know?
"That I'm gay!" exclaimed Duo.
Relena had some kind of indistinguishable look on her face. Whatever it was, Duo found it highly amusing.
"Ha ha ha! Princess, you gotta see the look on your face! Priceless!" He wiped a tear from his eye. "And me without my camera."
Hilde slapped him on the back again. "Be nice Duo. Relena, now that everyone's gone, you need a ride home?"
"Actually, yes. Unfortunately, Dorothy ditched me."
"You're still hanging out with her?"
"Well, we've become such good friends, so I made her my secretary. But not a very good one at that."
Duo giggled. "Aw... Okay Rellie, I'll give you a ride. Hilde, you can go back to the apartment and take care booking gigs for us."
Hilde saluted Duo. "Just drop me off at home. I won't let you down!"
"Cut it out! You don't have to turn it into some big mission, like the Libra."
"God, you're worse than Heero," muttered Relena.
"Bye Hilde! Nice seeing you again!" Relena waved good-bye to the German girl and was left alone in the car with Duo.
An awkward silence settled over the two of them now that their mediator was gone.
Duo tried to make some conversation. "So... How are you?"
"Just fine. A little stressed."
"Cool. How's Heero? Seen him lately?"
"I saw him last night."
Duo inhaled sharply and slammed on the brakes. "WHAT?!"
"Not like that! He saved me from another assassin."
Duo resumed driving. "Phfft. Oh. Well. No harm done then."
"Just some renovation bills for new doors."
Both of them paused.
Relena giggles a bit, but it came out as a snort. "You see, I was just looking over some papers. And I thought I should make myself some coffee. So as I passed the balcony, a bullet nearly hit me!"
"Oh, what I would pay to see it actually hit you," Duo said, sarcasm dripping from the words.
Relena frowned. "Why are you acting like this around me?"
Duo gave her an innocent look. "Acting like what?"
"Like you don't want me around."
"Listen, just leave Heero alone."
Relena stared at him in shock. "I'm not forcing him to stay or do anything for my sake. And besides, it's not like I asked for him to fall from the sky!"
Both of them glared at each other. A combined look that would put the Death Glare™©® to shame.
Duo continued to drive in silence, with Relena pouting in the seat beside him.
"This your turn?"
"Should have warned you about your seat belt."
"Look! I'm going to try and act as civil as I can around you. Now, as soon as you drop me off, wait in the car."
Relena came back through the grand doors of the Peacecraft mansion/apartment with a pile of clothes in her arms.
Duo stared at her in disbelief. "What the?"
She made her way back to the open door and dumped the clothes on the passenger seat. She smiled. "Here."
"What are these?"
"My old evening gowns and pantsuits. I thought you could use them in your act."
Duo gave her a reluctant smile. "Thanks, uh, Relena."
"Anytime. If you want to go shopping sometime, you're more than welcome to."
The braided boy was shocked. He was mean to her, and yet, she was really being nice to him! Keeping up the family values.
He got out of the car and walked around to Relena.
"Geez, thanks. I think I'm tearing up here."
"Well, a hug good-bye would let me know that we're going to be friends."
"Sure, whatever you say Relena."
Duo stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Relena. He picked her up and whirled her around.
Then, they both fell on the ground as gunfire rained around them.
But the shooting abruptly stopped as soon as Heero arrived on the scene. He ducked into some bushed where the gunmen were hiding.
"I'm not letting him have all the fun!" cried Duo. He dove into the bushed after him.
Some rustling and the sound of blows connecting passed for a few minutes. Then, the rustling stopped, and the two boys came out, dusting off their hands.
"Duo! Thanks for saving me!"
Heero's face perked up. "You're thanking him?"
Relena faced him. "Oh! Hello Heero. I also thank you." She turned her attention back to Pilot 2. "Now, Duo, shall we go shopping next Saturday?"
"How can the God of Death refuse? It's on your tab, right?"
"I'm there! See ya!"
Duo hopped in his car and drove away.
Heero scratched his head in confusion.
Relena was still watching the car pull out of the gates.
"Heero. You've already done your duty. Aren't you going to slip away by now?"
"I was, but... I wanted to know if you're okay. Did you get hit?"
"Other than a bruise from rolling around on the pavement, I'm fine."
"You can go now Heero."
"Oh yeah. Bye."
Duo and Relena returned to her apartment after a full day of shopping.
"Oh, thanks for the glittery strapless Gucci's. They'll be perfect for Act Three."
"Considering that I'm paying for it, it's no problem. Well, we're at my humble abode!"
Relena inserted the key and then threw open the door, revealing the spacious interior.
Duo let out a low whistle. "Nice pad! Looking for a roommate?"
She giggled. "No. Not yet. What about Hilde?"
She narrowed her eyes at him.
He put his hands up in defense. "Okay, okay! I give up. Although, this does make a swinging bachelor pad."
Both of them went inside and dumped their bags on the couch. They proceeded to sit beside the pile of purchases.
"You know, I really like what you've told me about your play."
"Yes! It's quite captivating. And I'd like to help make a contribution to help the show get started."
"Let me get my check book and we'll find out."
Relena got up and retreated into the hall where her bedroom was located.
While she was pre-occupied, Duo got off the couch and made his way to the newly repaired French doors.
Quietly turned the handle and opening the door, he slipped outside and found himself out on the balcony.
"Nice, isn't it?"
Duo spun around, his braid whipping around him to slap the intruder in the face.
"Damn it! Duo no baka! I thought you'd cut that thing off by now."
Heero rubbed his nose.
"Oh my God, Heero!" squealed Duo. "You would never believe it! Relena, I mean 'stalker bitch turned humanitarian politician' Relena Dork- I mean, Dorlain, is going to fund my two man show! C'mon! I'll give you free tickets."
Heero continued to stare intensely at him. "Hn."
Duo glomped Heero. "Okay, they're not free. You have to give me a kiss first."
Heero glared at the hyper boy. "I'm not interested, I'm not going to kiss you, and I'm not going to your show. And one more thing. Can you please repeat that without sounding like a mechanical rat?"
Duo frowned. "You know what?! I don't need this! Or you!" he screeched, while sounding very much like Rattrap from Transformers.
"Duo? Where are you?" Relena called distantly.
"Oh! Here she comes! Hey! Relena, we're out here!"
The blonde haired girl stuck her head through the doors and found Duo still extricated on Heero. She stared at them in shock.
"I-I-I never knew."
"Relena, it's not what you think," Heero started.
"I should be more tolerant of this. But right now, I need to talk to Heero alone. Duo, if you may."
"No way. I haven't seen this guy in over a year."
"But I need to talk about some private matter with him."
"What about my money?"
"You'll get it when I'm done talking to Heero."
Then, they began to bicker.
"Stop! Will you two shut up?!" cried Heero.
Two eager faces turned their attention to him.
"Good. Now, I was here to ask Relena if I could move in with her."
"WHAT?!" the two cried out.
"Listen, considering the assassination attempts being made lately, Relena's going to need a bodyguard that can afford to be around her every day."
Duo frowned. "You turned him against me!"
"Turned against you?! Who converted him to your side?"
Duo whipped around and stuck his tongue out at Relena. "Phfft. Bitch."
Both of them crossed their arms and pouted. They held their heads high.
"You know what? Get out of my house!"
"It's not a house! It's an apartment, you dumb blonde!"
"Out!" Relena cried, and she chased Duo out the door, slamming it behind her.
Heero was left out on the balcony, thinking about what he had just gotten himself into.
Out in the hall, Relena and Duo started giggling.
"Oh my God. He fell for it!"
Relena struggled to stifle a giggle. "Thanks Duo. You truly are a mastermind."
"Thank you, thank you. Anything to get Hee-chan back to us."
"Happy that Heero is gay?"
"Of course! You?"
"A bit sad, but at least I can share a friendship with him. That's all that matters."
"Hey, I'll see you in the front row when my two man show opens, right?"
"Front and centre right."
"What about centre left?"
"That's going to be Heero's seat."
Both of them giggled once more and parted ways.
End Pilot Episode
Additional Author's Notes: I know, it was a bit weird, right? This is just the first episode to start things off, and if I get enough positive feedback, I'll continue the series. I will feature more of the Gundam pilots later on, though